"Yeah, but this is school. They have to do everything ass-backwards."
~Butthead, on MTV's Beavis and Butthead

An exchange at Spring Garden Ranch in Florida ...
Mike Hollar (to Al Casselman): I thought you were taking a vacation day?
Al: You can't take a day off when you're surrounded by idiots
Mike: Have you seen me miss a day since we've been here?

"If the good lord didn't want them cut off he wouldn't've put them where they were so easy to get to."
~Rosemary LaGaudice DVM, on gelding horses

"Ahh, hey! If any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me, I have one.
I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here, tonight.
I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melanie Lane
with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here ... with a big ribbon on his head.
And I want to look him straight in the eye and tell him what a
cheap lying no good rotten floor-flushing low life snake licking dirt eating
inbred overstuffed ignorant blood sucking dog kissing brainless dickless hopeless
heartless fat-assed bug-eyed stiff-legged spotty-lipped worm-headed
sack of monkey shit he is--Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?"
~Clark W. Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

"It's hard to answer the question 'What's wrong?' when absolutely nothing seems right."
~Jessica's Buddy Profile

"Like I always say, 'euthanasia is always an option'."
~Dr. Bob Buell, DVM

"Relax - otherwise you might die all tensed up."
~Anonymous

"A 'Frisbeterian' believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, and you can't get it back down."
~Anonymous

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"
~Anonymous

"I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose."
~Anonymous

"I know enough to be dangerous."
~Brandy Snedden

"Whenever I feel like exercise I lie down until the feeling passes."
~Robert Maynard Hutchins

"I may not jog or workout -- but I'm a very brisk eater."
~Jim Moore Jr.

"Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something."

"CALVIN: People think it must be fun to be a super genius,
but they don't realize how hard it is
to put up with all the idiots in the world.
HOBBES: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?"

"Never discuss love with a tennis player, it means nothing to them."

"If you close your eyes, it feels like you're flying."
~A 5 Year Old Girl, to her younger sister,
as the plane we were on took off from Chicago O'Hare

"Cats are made to be thrown."
~Michael Hollar

"I am that man from Nantucket."
~A T-Shirt seen at Cedar Point
"Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it."
~Jane Wagner

"I'm breathing like a fat kid on the 4th of July."
~Aaron Merriman

"Why is New Jersey called the Garden State?
Cause it's too hard to fit 'Oil and Petro-Refinery State' on a license plate."
~Sandra Bullock Miss Congeniality

"Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs."
~P. J. O'Rourke

"USA Today has come out with a new survey:
Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
~David Letterman

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
~Robert A. Heinlein

"Medicine, the only profession that labors incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existance."
~James Bryce

"Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them."
~Edward W. Howe

"Your dad doesn't do throw-up well, and I don't want to have to deal with throw-up from both of you."
~Jennifer Brown

"If you were my laundry, I'd be doing you!"
~An Away Message seen on AOL Instant Messenger

"I'm surrounded by males. Unfortunately they're all either paper or neutered."
~Brandy Snedden

"How sensitive can the skin on your scrotum be if you're walking through brush and over cactuses?"
~Dr. Mike Rings DVM, during a lecture on ram and bull vasectomization

"Nothing gets an eyeroll faster than a soprano wailing away during a bassoon lesson."
~Dan "the Bassoon Man"

"To Norfolk, France, to Norfolk!"
~Josh Hilborn, as Henry VIII in REX

"If lockers fall outside in the rain and no one's there to hear them, do they still sing that song??"
~Kristi, Tony, and Andrea (sometime between midnight and 3am)

"If nobody is perfect, and I am a nobody; then I must be perfect."
~Anonymous (Thanks Sara!)

"I just want to sword dance and go home."
~Matt Dennis

"Lt. Desora just gave me what could be considered a 'passionate kiss' in the torpedo bay."
~Lt. Cmdr. Data, Star Trek:TNG, In Theory

"Klingons do not allow themselves to be probed."
~Cmdr. Worf, Star Trek:TNG, Violation

"Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe."
~Alphonso the Wise

"u should come with a warning label"
~Michelle (on Andrea)

"Everything in life is geared towards 2 people."
~ARFS (Another Revelation From Steve)

"Life is more fun w/o them, but not quite as rewarding."
~ARFS, on morals

"Don't rush things, life's short, but not that short."
~ARFS, on relationships

"MRS. LYNDE: Why here she is, how are you Anne?
ANNE: I'm well in body although considerably rumpled in spirit, thank you, ma'am."
~Anne of Green Gables: A Musical

"good clothes dont make a man but good clothes have gotten many men a good job."
~Bryan Royal

"You wanna piece of this??"
~Bryan Royal

"Hold your friends close ... but hold your enemies closer"
~Michelle Brogden

"I'm always right, you should know that; even when I'm left I'm right."
~James Binkley

"The blood is red ... He got me right in the liver."
~Some really cheesey western movie

"Fire Sprinklers Save Lives (and Property)!"
~Bumper Sticker

"Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?"
~Charlie McCarthy

"A great way to add drama to your life is to wait until the deadline looms large."
~Alyce Selby

"Everyone is a fool for at least five minutes. Wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."
~Elbert Hubbard

"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"Life is too important to be taken seriously."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"Conform, go crazy, or become a Philosopher."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"There are not stupid people, but sometimes people do stupid things."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"It's not whether you win or loose, but how many spectators you can maim while playing the game."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"Want to see a good joke? Take a good look around."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"Sharpening your axe every day helps keep the neighbor kids in their own damn yard."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"There is a difference between being eccentric and insane:
Insane people are unsure of what reality is
while eccentric people know what reality is and choose to ignore it."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"Without books, history is silent, literature is dumb, science is crippled, and you'd have nothing to level a wobbly coffee table."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool that said quit while your ahead?"
~The Oracle of Wisdom

"There are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead."
~The Oracle of Wisdom

andrea_shuck@hotmail.com

Home